If you Need me I'll be Locked in my House for th Rest of my Life

6 Die From Brain-eating Amoeba After Swimming
Rare organism that lives in lakes entered victims’ bodies through the nose

PHOENIX - It sounds like science fiction but it’s true: A killer amoeba living in lakes enters the body through the nose and attacks the brain where it feeds until you die......

Algal blooms, fecal coliform, and now this. The simple pleasures of my youth are being picked off one by one as though God were some crazed sniper with a vengeance/persecution complex. Sure we are in the process of destroying the very planet that he so carefully crafted (although it only took him 6 friggin' days....out of all eternity!!) but he also carefully crafted us so God, if I may be so bold....maybe it's time to take a good look in the mirror.

I'm not a seer or a prognosticator nor do I have a crystal ball but if I did this is what I'd see as I look towards a less than promising future:

• An overheated, over-populated planet



• An Arctic region exploited for it's natural resources, it's indigenous peoples allowed to die off from alcoholism, diabetes, and a host of other illnesses



• At least 5 more babies for Britney Spears



• A world where most people in the West literally plug themselves into their home entertainment/computer systems possibly under the influence of genetically engineered opiates.


• At least 27 new Ben and Jerry's flavors including something called Phil Spector's "Wall of Fudge"


• The end of social interaction as we know it today, except of course for the roiling underclasses who will continue to replicate in large numbers.
  

I hope this isn't too alarmist but it's probably a good time to start preparing for the worst. I was going to include the eventual return of a virulent strain of VS (Venereal Squirrels) but the latest New England Journal of Medicine reports that the future is now!! The scourge of the early 19th century has returned with a vengeance and the CDC is recommending abstaining from outdoor sex or (if it is an absolute must) the use of a flexible lucite shield as pictured below.

If you are experiencing a gnawing or burrowing sensation in the genital area, find nuts and seeds stashed in folds or crevices and hear nondescript chattering then present yourself to a healthcare specialist immediately!! Early treatment is almost always successful and involves a combination of powerful antibiotics and laser. If left too long the venereal squirrels will have a chance to reproduce and at that point it's pretty much game over!

and Silence at the Close......

As many of you may now know, the legendary mime Marcel Marceau is no more. He did much to advance his art and his classics; walking against the wind, tug of war, eating an apple, and trapped in a box etc. will live on forever. As a fitting tribute I will say no more but instead will make mournful gestures with my hands and eyebrows.

While I have your attention it appears that I and some regular Blobophiles may have hurt the very prolific contributor Mikexxxster's feelings....how else to explain his prolonged and unusual absence? I'm thinking about reworking the recent book cover (Sexual Politics in the Modern Era) to better conceal his identity and would appreciate some input. Think of it as kind of a mini referendum. What say you???

Dutch for Kids (warning: may not be suitable for children)

We've all done it...misunderstood song lyrics, sometimes for years, until we learn better. I thought Handel's "Comfort Ye" was " Come for Tea" for instance and you can feel free to tell me about your similar mistakes. In fact there's a website devoted to this very thing http://www.kissthisguy.com/funny.php which is worth taking a look at.
The clip above, that I was fortunate enough to find, takes this concept and runs with it: A Dutch kid's show with a happy little song that has been phonetically interpreted and sub-titled in English more or less accurately a la "Mad Gabs" (that game where you have to figure out that "into rachel mayor ridge" means "inter-racial marriage" for lack of a better example). Please watch with an open mind...I will not be apologizing.

Be the First Kid on Your Block!!

Dixxx said...
Is that supposed to be a Donald Trump doll Mike is holding on the book cover? If so where can I get one?

Interesting that you should ask that question Dixxx. I guess you noticed the family resemblance because that is in fact the Ivanka, modeled after Trump's daughter. A "Donald" version (prototype pictured here with lifelike wig and matching pubis) is only days away from hitting the assembly line in Sri Lanka. I should warn you that child labor is involved but Mr. Trump insists that only such small and delicate fingers can assure the quality hair weaving needed for a lifelike love doll. The Blob is acting as middle man so I'll put your name on the reservation list. In just a few weeks you'll once again be the envy of pathetic, lonely, closeted, men everywhere!!

Some Women Scorned

The modern woman, or "neo woman" works first and foremost for herself......we're women and you can't live without us!"- Felicity Muffet

For those of you who haven't checked the comment section let me debrief you (said the vicar to the altar boy). A male contributor pined for the good ol' days when women were subservient and compliant sexual partners and men could focus solely on their own pleasure. This prompted several letters of protest and these women, true to their 21st century nature (red, in tooth and claw) fought back with noticeable ferocity.

Since the dawn of time men have been trying in vain to win the battle of the sexes. Indeed it can be reasonably argued that the great monotheistic religions in their original orthodox manifestations have "keeping women in their place" as one of their main raisons d'etre.

In it's essence this is a classic supply and demand situation much like today's oil crisis. The Arab states have us over a proverbial barrel because of our dependence on them for our fuel needs.

Men need vaginas and women have them...it's as simple as that. Sure there are prostitutes but they can be a health risk not to mention the expense. Men by and large aren't that bright and fool themselves into believing that sex with a woman in a relationship is free. This of course is a laughable delusion that we are prepared to overlook every time some gland shoots a miniscule drop of "I'm horny" hormone into our bloodstream. For all the talk of "the weaker sex" vagina power can bring down empires and cause powerful dictators to whimper and beg like babies.

Despite Felicity Muffet's jackboot approach to sexual politics I like to think that it's best to leave antagonism out of the bedroom. Yin and Yang or balance is the obvious solution. Over the course of a few liaisons the giving and taking should just about even out or there will be trouble ahead. (I guess that goes for housework too) This trouble can take so many forms that I won't bother to bore you with the list but John Wayne Bobbit would have done well to heed my advice.

In lieu of balance I've found that living 4,000 kilometres away from my dearly beloved creates an over-riding sense of longing where indiscretions are more easily overlooked (hers anyways).

.....Did I just sat thay??!!?? (damn, am I in trouble!!) Honey I was just joking I swear!!!

God Loves Scrabble

Fred Phelps said...
Dear Blob,

It has been my life's ambition to become a grand master Scrabble player. Outside of playing lots of Scrabble; is there any technique or mind focusing gimmick that might help me?

Fred Phelps is a Kansas City preacher who made famous the phrase "God hates fags" http://www.godhatesfags.com/main/index.html and routinely stages protests where he and his small band of followers spew biblically based hatred. Nevertheless he did write to The Blob and it's my sworn duty to reply. As much as I know about dating advice this question is really in my wheelhouse!! I've been an avid scrabble player for decades and met my GF playing the game on line (or so the legend goes).

There a reams and reams of guidance available on-line Reverend, such as this site: http://scrabbleclub.com/resources/tools.htm I won't bother you with strategy talk as it's all just a mouse click away. What I can do is relate what for lack of a better term is the more "spiritual" side of the game. Just as God has talked to you about the dangers of homosexuality (the feces fornicators and semen eaters that you so delicately describe) through the good book so too will the lettered scrabble tiles begin to talk to you after enough thoughtful playing experience.

I remember when this happened to me...I'd been playing the game for years but had never really given the true meaning of the letters a 2nd thought then one day a revelation!! The letters had intrinsic value beyond their points and this could change according to their availability during the course of a game. Consonants that blended with each other, tiles that I'd need in order to place other, more difficult ones that still hadn't been picked, suffixes or prefixes that I'd hang on to thereby improving my odds of playing a bingo (the treasured 7 letter word!) . Almost overnight my rating improved miraculously. Of course unlike believing in God it helps to have a bit of smarts. Blind faith alone will not allow you to hear the letters once they begin to speak. Open yourself up to the strategic possibilities of the alphabet and a whole new heavenly, bingo-filled realm awaits!! I must warn you though....their are many fags who play scrabble and "The Official Scrabble Dictionary" is a veritable gay phrasebook with word like anal, couture, fabulous, lube, and sconce. Good luck and may God bless.

Montreal vs.Toronto

TSO could use some of Montreal orchestra's razzle dazzle
John Teraud
While our orchestra is clearly superior, the MSO – with its hype and light shows – simply has more pizzazz

The public square glowed blue and pink as moving images several storeys high blazed from the sides of buildings. Some 6,000 people sat, stood and reclined in the outdoor space under a clear night sky.

This felt like a very special occasion. But instead of an appearance by, say, Amy Winehouse or Timbaland, the fuss on Sept. 4 was for the Montreal Symphony Orchestra's season-opening concert.

The 3,400-seat Salle Wilfrid-Pelletier at Place des Arts was sold-out. The public plaza outside its doors contained an extra stage holding an orchestra picked from Montreal university and conservatory ensembles.

Pianist Alain Lefèvre, a local boy with a sparkling international career, arrived to play Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue with them.

Conductor Kent Nagano and Lefèvre were cheered like pop stars.

The crowd in the square watched Nagano run inside for his concert with the Montreal Symphony Orchestra. The concert was projected on a series of outdoor screens and the sides of several buildings in the Place des Arts complex.

Radio-Canada broadcast everything live on its radio and television and Internet networks so that an estimated 300,000 people could be there that night.

The buzz was palpable.

On Wednesday, the Toronto Symphony Orchestra will launch its new season with the first of two performances of two blockbuster pieces: Carl Orff's Carmina Burana and Maurice Ravel's Bolero, led by music director Peter Oundjian.

There will be no coloured lights or projections outside Roy Thomson Hall. CBC Radio will record the concert, for future broadcast. But no one passing by on King St. will have any idea that something special is going on nearby.

There is every reason to believe this concert will be excellent. It's too bad we have to hide our classical-music light under a bushel – a.k.a. Roy Thomson Hall.

I would like to argue that the TSO today provides a better musical experience than the MSO. Yet the Montreal organization manages to create a flurry of anticipation that our local people can't yet muster.

The MSO presents 70 concerts a year on a budget of $20 million. The TSO offers 107 concerts for $22 million.

The 44-year-old Salle Wilfrid-Pelletier has dismal acoustics. I sat in the sixth row of the first balcony and the concert sounded like it was being played in another room.

A new venue is coming, but has not even been designed yet.

Roy Thomson Hall, a quarter-century old, is hardly perfect. It holds about 600 people less than its Montreal counterpart and its circular layout places most people closer to the stage. It's not intimate, but does help create a nice rapport between orchestra and listeners.

The TSO recently went through rough years, skirting bankruptcy, getting embroiled in serious personnel problems and losing music director Jukka-Pekka Saraste.

At the same time, the MSO has weathered two players' strikes and the loss of maestro Charles Dutoit.

The TSO's new public face is a charming, intellectually lively Toronto-born musician with an excellent pedigree in chamber music.

Listen carefully, and most of Oundjian's work reveals meticulous artistry.

Ticket sales have risen accordingly. There now are many sold-out concerts – including both performances of Carmina Burana.

The Quebecers turned to California native Kent Nagano, now in his second season in Montreal. He, like Oundjian, is in his early 50s. But any similarities end there.

The MSO's opener, for all its flash, included serious music: Richard Strauss's famous tone poem Also Sprach Zarathustra as well as arias and songs by Mozart gorgeously sung by (a very pregnant) contralto Marie-Nicole Lemieux.

The orchestra was ragged in the Strauss and everything after the big chords made famous in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey was muddy and lacked momentum.

The reduced orchestra in the Mozart sounded stolid, in odd opposition to Lemieux's honeyed vocals.

This was not the best work of a famous ensemble, yet the Montreal public gave the evening a prolonged, boisterous ovation.

The best part of the night was what happened outside. So much so that several hundred people chose to leave the hall at intermission to catch the conclusion in the square – including a hologram of Nagano conducting the youth in synch with the players inside.

In an interview the next day, Nagano was deliberate. He answered questions slowly, thoughtfully. As in his music-making, this maestro does not wear his art lightly.

Asked if he would like to see more multimedia concerts, Nagano seemed to say no: "It's not to say that the multimedia experience is the same as the special sensitivities that are generated by a live audience," he said. The acoustics and stage and rapport between audience and performers "simply can't be reproduced artificially. That's something that is closely related to the human spirit, and there is no duplication of the human spirit."

Asked over the phone what he would think of a flashier opening, Oundjian sounded enthusiastic.

Over the last five years, the TSO "has been slowly proving itself, its artistic level and making the product as good as it can be," said Oundjian. Adding new media and more public performances "will naturally evolve," now that deficits are out and a can-do spirit is in.

In Montreal, organizers know that making something look like a major event makes it a major event.

Or we could quote Oscar Wilde: "Nothing exceeds like excess."

In Toronto, our orchestra sounds the part. Now what we need is the pizzazz to make its concerts the grand events they deserve to be.

in response a somewhat bitter and possibly tipsy Maria Callous said...
Fuck toronto.

Thanks TOMave for directing me to the article and thanks Maria for your concisely formed opinion.
Canada is like your big, friendly cousin who is really good at painting and loves camping but has a touch of Asperger's Syndrome (a mild form of autism).
We come by our national insecurity naturally what with our close relative to the south flaunting his lifestyle and generally overshadowing us and hogging the limelight. Then there's Quebec, the proverbial island of French in a sea of English and within Quebec is Montreal (a crumbling,litter plagued, once great city). Three layers of insecurity and low self-esteem that compound exponentially.
Don't get me wrong...I love Montreal but the often knee-jerk hatred of Toronto has more to do with our own self-aggrandizement than any empirical reality. Montreal has the joie de vivre no doubt, a vibrant nightlife and colorful history. Most of us needn't travel 1 and a half hours to get to work and day to day, we enjoy a more leisurely pace. Nevertheless Toronto has 3 or 4 major sports teams to our 1, better museums and public attractions, better infrastructure, has usurped our title of "Canada's business centre" and is still just as safe a place to live if you stay away from the bad half of the city that is controlled by ethnic street gangs.
I know little about the Toronto symphony but I know they're good. So is the Montreal Symphony. It's safe to say that both are composed of around 90% excellent musicians (and 10% good to very good ones) but it's hard to believe that the TSO can match our own beloved orchestra when it comes to organizational incompetence, neurotic musicians, soap-opera like intrigue and vicious political machinations (trust me on this one). What seemed like almost a century of dictatorial rule by Charles Dutoit has left a poisonous atmosphere that, on a hot day, can still actually be smelled in the basement of Place des Arts. After he left there were several directorless years that turned a once amazing orchestra into an unruly crew on a rudderless ship. Now with their new director they will soon return to, if not surpass, their former glory.
The TSO doesn't need light shows and razzle dazzle although it couldn't hurt. What they really need is what the OSM already has....25 or so years of international touring and recording success led by a well known conductor/asshole with a gift for marketing who knows how to whip a terrified group of musicians into fighting shape as he builds his own career on their weary backs, lips, and arms.
While it may be fun and reassuring to bash Toronto we should take a page out of Calgary's playbook and work to make our city a better place while thoroughly ignoring everyone else.

Ask Uncle Blob

Maria Callous asks:

A good friend of mine told me that since he's sworn off dating, the dates have been flocking to him. Now, do you think that this is a natural law of the universe or is it simply that when we give up on dating that we emit some kind of weird vibes or odours (like pheremones, you know???) that make us more enticing?
Dear Maria,

Excellent question and the topic is right in my wheelhouse, to use an old baseball phrase. Wheelhouse means the place a ball is thrown where the batter is most likely to be able to hit it with power and its origins are postulated thusly courtesy of word-detective.com:

(On the other hand, it does seem more likely that the locomotive turntable "wheelhouse" (often called a "roundhouse") is the source, likening the awesome swing of the rail yard turntable to the batter's powerful swing. An additional argument for this theory is that sweeping side-arm pitches have been known as "roundhouse" pitches since about 1910, and, of course, the "roundhouse punch" is delivered with the same sort of motion. Thus, by 1959, this sort of "wheelhouse" had already been used as a metaphor for powerful motion for more than fifty years.)

Now, back to your question. I don't know who your friend is but I know a thing or two about trying too hard. Think about overswinging at a baseball for instance....you may knock one out of the park if you connect but more often than not you'll strike out and probably corkscrew yourself into the ground trying. Once the word spreads around that you'll swing at anything you'll not be likely to see anything in your wheelhouse for quite some time.

Your friend's new laid back approach is working not because of some new odour that is suddenly emanating from his body but precisely because he no longer seems like such a needy loser. Smell has nothing to do with it....a pitcher who is stinking up the joint will be quickly yanked by his manager.

We need look no further than the famous musical West Side Story for an apt summation:

"go man go but not like some yo-yo fool boy. Just keep it cool boy....real cool."

Once your friend does score a date this philosophy will stand him in good stead. The video clip I've included in this post demonstrates in classic fashion the pitfalls of trying too hard to impress your date. Watch and learn.

Blob Exclusive: We're Winning the War on Terror!!

As another 9-11 anniversary approaches people all over the world are taking stock. Where are we today almost 6 years after that fateful day? One of those people is Osama Bin Laden who got the ball rolling and now keeps up the rhetoric with carefully crafted videos. His latest release (#5 with a bullet on Billboard's "Terror Trackz" top 40) indicates that he is either wearing a fake black beard or has operatives with ties to the underground Grecian Formula smuggling market. I think he is presently clean shaven to better blend in with the sorrounding populace and wore the beard just for the video. Still.....hasn't he heard of production values, continuity, etc? How hard is it to get those trademark grey streaks even without going to the hairdresser (Clairol "Just for Beards" is a blatant symbol of American capitalist imperialism and was out of the question). Next time you put your face to film Osama, you'd best heed the words of humorist Ogden Nash (and I paraphrase): "A little talcum would be walcum". Even the most seasoned CIA analyst wouldn't know for sure!

So...where do we stand. Critics of President Bush aren't as smug as they were only a few months ago. The war is a success!! No terrorist attacks on N. American soil since 9-11 and thousands of Arabs killed (and more Americans than were actually murdered at the World Trade Center...but who's counting). There's a reason Bin Laden's latest video didn't warn of future attacks, he's running out of skilled fighters. I searched through many Jihadist websites looking for the trademark training camp video clips and could find only this http://www.break.com/index/arab_treadmill_prank.html which leads me to believe that the insurgency is indeed in it's death throes as famously noted in May 2005 by V.P. Dick Cheney.
The Republican regime appears to have won its bet with destiny and could use a good rest. Let's hope that next November fair minded Americans see fit to let them get the time off they deserve.

Otherworldly Voices

The great tenor's passing got me thinking about the human voice in all its manifestations. A few years back I was introduced (by regular contributor Dixxx) to the amazing scat stylings of William "Shooby" Taylor. By our usual standards it's terrible singing and equally bad improvisation yet his uninhibitedly joyous performance makes for compelling listening (albeit in small doses). I believe Blobophiles will enjoy the clip but as the following link shows, not everyone appreciated Shooby back when he was alive. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MutYIgL4Gbk&mode=related&search= Being booed off the stage in what should have been a friendly venue would have deterred most people but Shooby kept right on singing until a stroke ended his career in 1994.
The human voice connects to us emotionally the way no other instrument can (save the euphonium which many believe is the closest we've come to imitating the voice of God). While it can be argued that Pavarotti was the greatest voice of our generation there are still many who'd prefer the gutteral howl of a Tom Waits or the whiny innocence of a Neil Young. It often comes down to context....the voice must suit the material and then everything falls into place. Crossing over into other genres is a common practice for many vocalists and while it may be a good way of making more money it's often an artistic disaster. Pavarotti singing Schubert's Ave Maria works, Michael Bolton singing the same song....in the words of Jon Stewart; "not so much".
There's still no accounting for taste. Listen to this rarity, the great Shirley Bassey (of all people) singing Gounod's beautiful Ave Maria (of all song choices) in fabulous Jamaica (of all places). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5jXLtQbgog
I'll bet some of you like it and some don't while others will abhor it and even hate me for posting it. I'll await your judgement.

Pavarotti: He Brought Opera to the Masses and Mass to the Opera

Luciano Pavarotti is no more. Arguably one of the greatest tenors of all time the hefty superstar lost his battle with pancreatic cancer late yesterday.
Heralded as The King of the High C's his legendary excesses led some to speculate that C came to stand for cholesterol level and caloric intake.
As he gained more and more weight in his later years health became a primary concern. As recently as last spring a bad back forced him to cancel a world tour that would have brought him to Montreal where I was engaged to be part of the orchestra and would have made at least a thousand bucks. If only he'd gone a little easier on the prosciutto.

By the end doctors report that Pavarotti had gotten so huge as to exert a noticeable gravitational effect on miniscule dust particles that would actually fall into orbit around his body if he were to stay in one place for any length of time.

All fat jokes aside, in his prime he could blow an audience away or move them to tears and he will continue doing just that....take a look at the video clip.

Hormones: God DOES Have a Sense of Irony!!

Men and women have a lot in common but when it comes to hormonally affected behavioural patterns there's a world of difference. When men are feeling down they tend to isolate themselves thereby shutting out the world until they either feel better or murder their entire family before commiting suicide. Outside stressors by and large call the shots for men whereas women cope far better with external stimuli but are defenseless when it comes to their own hormonal surges. The irritability, bloating, and despondency are a heavy burden to bear but women have learnt to share the pain with their loved ones.

For eons well meaning men have been baffled by the irrational moodiness and have come up with all sorts of ineffective coping strategies: Disengagement, appeasment (or the "Yes dear" approach), futile aggression, pre-emptive ice cream etc. but nothing seems to work.

In rare and fortunate circumstances different types of therapy may help. Take the case of the recently departed "Bitch of Broadway" Leona Helmsley, who left 12 million to her dog while cutting her grandchildren out of the will. Very late in life she was diagnosed with a severe case of S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder). While this is sometimes referred to as the winter blues, Leona's case was so severe that no amount of summer sunshine seemed to make a difference. It was only when she began intensive light therapy treatments that people could stand to be around her and she stopped beating her servants.



Again, a case like this is the exception rather than the rule so where does that leave the rest of us? Life is hard enough so here at The Blob I'm always on the lookout for products or services that will make things just that much easier. Wouldn't you know it...scientists at Caprice Industries Ltd. may be on to something. They've provided some literature:

Remember the 70's and the mood ring fad? Small plastic rings with an embedded liquid that would change color based on how you were feeling. They soon went out of style when the liquid was found to be a lead based, radioctive, carcinogen, a detail that had been overlooked by the Chinese sub-contractors.

Here at Caprice Industries Ltd. we've taken that basic technology, removed the toxins, and infused these heat sensitive chemicals into a thermo-plastic resin. While still molten this resin is then molded into a suspendable seat (suspension allows a free flow of air) which is sensitive to even the smallest temperature fluctuations of a woman's pelvi-genito complex before the actual hormonally induced effects have a chance to take hold. For the man of the house this allows for an extra few minutes while evasive action is still possible, the woman can simply lock herself in the bedroom with a good book and a dish of ibuprofen! This color coded warning system is similar to the Terrorist Threat Key used by the U.S. government. The color coding is illustrated in the picture: Red means all clear and after that you decide what course of action is best!!! For more information please contact us at capriceindustriesltd.com

A Friend In Need

Larry Craig, the ill-fated US senator from Idaho has his own Facebook page. My research team actually came up with that tidbit and I reached out and befriended him in his hour of need. (It was the Jewish thing to do) He's gone into seclusion and during this period of reflection perhaps it would be nice if Blob contributors could follow my lead and contact him through Facebook as well. I let him know that I'd act as a sort of clearing house so he wouldn't be deluged with all sorts of miscreants and bumpkins therefore if you're at all interested in hooking up and helping out with Sen. Craig please contact me first.

I'm probably the 1st kind and understanding voice that he's heard in days and he was more than glad to talk candidly. As far as I can tell the whole ordeal seems like some kind of wacky misunderstanding. The senator insists that he's not gay (would you call a guy who has one or two drinks a week an alcoholic???) and stands by his "pro-family" voting record. When I asked him about plans for the future he told me that he'll be appearing in a movie already in the works that's a remake of an old Gus Van Sant classic with an added bio-pic angle. "I experimented with musical theater during my college days" chuckled the chastened conservative "so this is right up my alley!"

Here's a sneak peek:

Western Ways

Don't get me wrong...I love Quebec but my recent trip to Alberta taught me that we may have a thing or two to learn from our cousins to the West. Sure they have the spectacular scenery, the crisp mountain air, the Saskatoon berry, and a minimum wage that's up around 15 dollars an hour but what really impressed me was their corn and in particular the corn from Taber. This unassuming community is the corn capital of Canada. Growing conditions are excellent: hot days, cool nights, loamy soil and the highest amount of yearly sunlight in the nation.

Of course it's harvest time and all over Quebec the markets abound with our own corn. I've been enjoying the local variety but until you've tasted the Taber version you haven't really tasted corn (or lived for that matter). The latest generation is fuller and more succulent but remains firm and toothsome when properly cooked. The richly hued niblets are uniform and the size of pencil erasers.

As someone who grew up with boiled corn the Western cooking method was also a revelation. Silk removed, husks left on and then grilled or microwaved the end product was nothing short of astonishing. I googled taber corn and sure enough, at the top of the list was this link; http://www.jensenstabercorn.com/ . I emailed them and they sent back their latest ad which is a throwback to the old "Doublemint" ads and features the so-called Jensen Twins as spokesmodels. The next time you're out West make sure to enjoy some delicious, nutritious, Taber brand corn!!

The Sunken Cathedral

Crumbling municipal infrastructure has long been a concern but a recent bridge collapse in Minnesota has brought the issue to the front pages. While several people perished south of the border the true capital of civic decay is Montreal.

Chunks of overpass kill unwary motorists, 9 bridges are closed to truck traffic, tens of thousands of crater-like potholes make our roadways resemble those of Kabul and an impending massive, downtown sinkhole recently shut down the subway and many businesses. Oh yeah....there's also the Olympic Stadium, a cavernous, cretinous, mausoleum that, while not part of our infrastructure, does shed chunks of concrete and stands as a monument to all that is wrong with the standards and practices of our construction industry.

At the epicentre of the mid-city trouble is Christ Church Cathedral, a marvelous edifice (Sometimes home to the soon-to-be-world-famous Griffon Brass Band) and oasis amidst the hustle and bustle. Some years ago it was propped up on stilts while land was excavated from beneath it to make way for a huge mall, part of Montreal's Underground city. Today it perches perilously as we wait to see if engineers can prevent it from actually becoming part of the subterranean scenery. While I firmly believe that the underworld could use a little more old time religion and a lot more brass band music this may not be the best way of going about it.

Speaking of underworld, Montreal has an illustrious history of handing out building contracts to the lowest bidder who usually happens to be a city councillor's cousin who has affiliations with guys named Cotroni or Rizzuto.(google them) Is the fondness for structures using massive amounts of cement just a coincidence?? (and might I add at this juncture that I in no way wish to cast aspersions upon the Italians who are a beautiful and vibrant people)

What we end up with are shoddily built roadways made of materials of questionable quality by guys who by and large don't know their butt crack from a bucket of tar. (see photo)

We are one of the highest taxed groups of people in North America but what really makes us distinct is our veal-like passivity in the face of corrupt and inept authority. Vive la difference!!